We have all become familiar with the tragic litany of ills that befall a significant number of kids who come from single-parent and broken homes. But the majority of kids at risk do not end up in prison, nor do they commit or attempt suicide.

That's the good news. Contrary to the myths that divorce is better for kids than a bad marriage, studies have found that in the absence of severe and/or ongoing hostility, children are far better off within a two-parent biological family that has its troubles. And as Judith Wallerstein has demonstrated, "a significant number of children suffer long-term, perhaps permanent detrimental effects from divorce, and ... others experience submerged effects that may appear years later."

What happens In School
Twenty-five years ago , the divorce rate was not high enough to merit much attention. It's different today and we have learned a lot along the way. Divorce hurts children and hurt children strike back, sometimes at themselves. Loss, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, fear, guilt, stress, and anger hit hard. Most observers see a connection between the divorce rate and increased rates of gang delinquency, drug use, and dropouts.

Children psychologically bond to both parents. When parents divorce, it is like having half of your personality torn away. Children feel like half of their "self" is missing. These feelings of loss, rejection and abandonment destroy a child's ability to concentrate in school.

These unhealthy feelings increase when parents attack or degrade each other. When one parent says malicious things about the other parent in front of the children, the children worry that these displeasing qualities exist in them. "If dad is a bad person, am I a bad person too? After all, I'm a lot like my dad."

Some children worry about being abandoned by the care-taking parent. If one parent has left me, how do I know my other parent won't leave me? Who will take care of me? This is another reason why children do not talk to their parents about their feelings. A seven-year-old once explained, "My mom is very angry at my dad. If I tell her how sad I am, she will get madder. Then she might leave me too." Children are afraid to say or do anything that will alienate or provoke their parents for fear that both may leave.

Anger and aggression are typical reactions to divorce. This is especially true when the parents get angry at each other. Steven's parents had been divorced for several months. During that time, Steven had been getting more aggressive at school and at home. What caused the increased anger and aggression? Steven was angry at his dad. Angry for leaving. Angry for not spending more time with him. Angry for having a new girlfriend. Steven did not direct his anger at dad. That might drive dad away even more. Steven took it out peers, because it was relatively safe to do so. He also took his anger out on his little sister, because she liked dad's new girlfriend.

Change frightens children. Often, one parent takes the children and leaves home. They may move in with relatives or into less expensive quarters. For many children, this means a new home, new school, new friends and new stresses. Add this to loss of a parent and radical change in life style and you have the ingredients for an emotional trauma. These changes interfere with success in school.

Over half of the children I speak with hope their parents will get back together. It is understandable for children to think in this manner. Children want the family to be the way it used to be. This is a fantasy that most children grasp onto regardless of the facts. A college freshman once told me that he frequently thinks about reuniting his parents. They have been divorced since he was six and both parents have remarried for years. He still hangs on to the possibility.

Divorce and its Effects on Children
What is marriage, and why do we marry? Records show marriages have been taking place since the earliest recorded history. Evidence of elaborate ceremonies joining couples together are present all over the world. Couples have been joined in a legal contract, (marital bond) for a number of reasons:, religious, arraigned marriages, kinship bonds, pool resources, (financial and manpower) children, and romantic love. When a marriage is successful, there are many benefits for the couple, a shared mutual trust and respect for one another. When the marriage is not working and there is a break down in communication, common goal or trust, many times this will result in a divorce. A divorce can be a painful process, even more so if children are involved.

Divorce is often believed to be final when the judge declares the two divorced. It is,in fact, a legal disolvement of the marriage contract. Divorce occurs in stages and must be accepted emotionally and the couple must go through a grieving process, (grieving the relationship) even if the divorce is wanted by both parties.

Studies show mothers initiate most divorces, usually after a long time of agonizing over the decision. The decision to divorce often leaves the mother feeling guilty for what she is going to put her children through. This guilt may stem from religious beliefs - not always of religious roots and society's attitude that divorce is a personal failure. The reasons for divorce are as numerous as the reasons for marriage.

For the divorcing parents, usually one year after is the "low point." Many parents will find divorce has changed more things in their lives than first anticipated. These changes and adjustments will take longer and be more upsetting than expected.

Most people experience three stages of adjustment after a divorce. In the initial stage of the marital disruption, all things are changing, people are unsure of the future. This can last a few months or up to a year or two. This stage of divorce is the most painful. The second stage is referred to as the transitional period which occurs after the breakup"settles down". Parents try out new lifestyle and reorganize their lives. Many changes for parents and children take place during this stage. During the third stage, parents and children feel a renewed sense of stability. Parents have formed new relationships and stable patterns of visitation and custody. The children feel more secure because they are living in a stable environment.

Currently, there is another shift taking place regarding which parent would be best for the children in discussions about sole custody. Ninety percent of women are awarded sole custody of their children but this number is in decline. Not all adolescents live with their mothers; some choose other arrangement such as living with the father. Other parents share joint physical custody. The shared joint custody arrangement have become more common.

Advice for Divorced Parents
Work as CO-Parents and remember that a person may not be a good marriage partner but can still be a good parent.
Communicate - Inform the other parent of events or situations, when something happens before they hear it from the children. Never use the children as messengers.
3) Coordinate with the other parent. Have time-sharing plans all mapped out on calendars. Coordinate about discipline, make rules ahead of time regarding "grounding and restrictions". They don't have to be the same in both households, but both parents should agree on major limitations. Coordinate efforts in encouraging children to have contact with both parents. This will avoid loyalty issues.
4) Compromise. This is especially hard when anger exists between parents. However, compromise and meeting the other parent "halfway" set good examples for children.
Advice for children of divorced parents includes the following:

Advice for Children of Divorced Parents
Children have a right to both parents.
Children should tell their parents how they feel and what they want.
If children want to make changes in how they spend time with their parents or where they live, they should first to the parent they are afraid of hurting.
Children should always tell their parents whenever they feel uncomfortable in any situation.
It is not always possible to get both parents to work together, but with at least one parent willing to be flexible, the potential outcome for the children is still better than the two fighting.

While parents should insist on the children having regular contact with the absent parent, the children should have no choice in this ( unless there is abuse or neglect ). Visitation should be thought of as necessary, similar to attendance at school. At the father's home, children need to feel as if they "belong"; being treated as a guest is unrewarding for all. Children need chores and restrictions as well as sharing in the fun family times.

Should parents stay together for the sake of the kids? This question is asked often and most experts agree that this is not the best solution to the problem. Children subjected to constant arguing, fighting and cool standoffs are worse off than children whose parents have a "civilized" divorce. Children suffer even more if after a divorce their parents continue to fight. Sometimes the battles escalate and for some children the warring never ends. Often after a divorce, just being in separate household will ease up the fighting.

Children should be told about the divorce by both parents, hopefully at the same time, and what is told should "age-appropriate." Parents should make it very clear, the divorce is not the fault of the children. It should also be made clear, that there is nothing the children can do to get them back together. Being very clear on this issue will help keep children from getting to absorbed in reunification fantasies. Telling the children that they are not responsible for the divorce might need to repeated several times. There is no need to elaborate on the details of an affair, or other hurtful events.

Children don't have to suffer with life long scars of their parents divorce. Parents should always put bad feelings aside for the sake of the kids, because the children are part of both of you. Hopefully the children will grow up with a good relationship with both parents and will one day be able to acknowledge that their parents cooperated with each other because of their common love of their child.